At last I have finished the paper which was nagging me for a while now, I don’t know how I got it done but thanks to a few very helpful people I did finish it. I just cant work in these conditions anymore, every time I talk to someone from back home, my desire to head back increases and I become very restless. There is also this thing at the pit of my stomach that I just cannot figure out what to do about. I wish I knew what it was for. I am a mediocre poet as it is and now I cant even write past a few words any more. Two starting things have been swirling in my head for a while now:

1) Constant change of Loving Disgrace
Tides of Time you cannot Retrace
Follow the White Rabbit into its Lair
Now open your Eyes, if you Dare

2) Create a path to your loving demise
Then find yourself bitterly revived
Living.
Yet wishing you were dead.

I just cant get those two out of my head, not can I write anything with those two things. If anyone of you wish to use this, please feel free to use them, just send me a copy of the thing you wrote. That’s about it on my creative front.

Have been trying to talk to a lot of people on MSN, just not to feel so darn alone all the darn time anymore. I don’t know how to express that feeling, but those who had it will understand it. I rant away, which I really should not. Can’t wait till I visit New Hampshire and meet my best bud. Haven’t seen him in almost a year, which basically sucks, because he used to listen to most of the crap which was spilt from my mouth. Sometimes I wonder how he takes such bullshit and still manages to be there the next time I need to vent and rant and act all fucked up. School is almost at its end, cant wait for next semester, I might not sound it but I am a huge college football fan(happens when you start going to the #1 ranked team in the nation), hence the football season will make sure that I m occupied, but with 5 classes I don’t know if I will be able to cope with everything. The way I figure, the more work load I have the less time to think about shitty stuff I have, hence maybe I will start feeling a lot better. A

Enough of my banter, new favorite song:

Such Great Heights – Postal Service

I talked to this girl today after a long time, she used to be a very dear friend till of course I made the bad decision of falling in love with her. Had to distance myself from her seeing that she already had a steady bf. Sucked ass, but couldn’t take it anymore so had to let go. She will not change, yet she blames herself for this, I do not understand why though. Talk to her today and told her that the poem, Try and Fail, was basically about her. Though I think she figured it out when I wrote it and she saw it. She used to see most of my work anyways, hell I think she is the only one with a huge amount of work on paper. Work which in all reality was written for her, so never really bothered to put them up here. I usuall put things up which has something to do with mostly me or emotions and feelings surrounding me rather than poems I might have written about another person. Anyways I talked to her today, and ended up making her feel really bad. Not my intention, although I do not know my intention anymore. I think I might just derive some twisted pleasure from the fact that I still have the ability to hurt her. Before you guys start cursing me please understand the pain I had to bear for such a long time. Yes it was my fault entirely but in all reality can you really contain how you feel, sometimes I seriously wish I could. Do I like her now? Maybe, maybe not, don’t want to venture there right now or ever. Those things have been locked away in a safe place and I hope I never have to open the pandoras box again. That’s all I can get my self to say right now, maybe later when I wasn’t in such a place I will write more about this.

Sometimes I feel like an asshole and a half, just cause, I have soo many things to be happy about and I know how much other people are suffering, yet I just cannot let go these fucking feelings. Hate myself for that. Hate myself for doing anything these days, have become more awkward than humanly possible. Human interaction face to face is at its minimum, well I guess except the people who might be reading this I wont really have changed nor they figure anything wrong with me, because as I said previously I have set up a self image here that shows that I am without emotions of any kind. Anyways enough ranting, you guys must tired of listening to me talk like this. I am truly sorry.

Hopefully the next time I write I will be more productive.

On an ending note, I have another assignment in class due, the prompt:

What is at stake in the contemporary immigration debate?

What do you guys think? Ideas would be extremely helpful. Thanks.

I seriously need to learn how to use the bold thingy so that I can just bold one sentence.